I wrote a foreword for Dr. Anjali Malpani’s book “Tries, Sighs, and Lullabies.” It is based on an essay I had written 19 years ago.
Abhishek is one of Anjali’s sixteen thousand babies. Born after five years of IVF treatment, he is truly Anjali’s baby. Bhavana and I had almost given up after four years – the emotional upheavals being as much as the medical challenges. But Anjali never gave up. She pushed us for one more try. I was at a friend’s place in Atlanta when Bhavana called to give the good news. For me, the words which came out were “Thank You, Anjali.”
Our journey with Anjali and Dr. Anirudha Mapani had begun in 2000. Bhavana and I had been married six-and-a-half years when we first visited their clinic. I had known Anirudha earlier through interactions I had with them in 1993-94 when I was trying to do an image processing software and needed to analyse ultrasound scans. That time, I went as an entrepreneur. This time, we went as patients.
Going to Infertility specialists is not something one can discuss easily with family and friends (however close they may be). It is a difficult decision to make and it means that both husband and wife have to accept reality and make a joint decision to seek advice and help. While the Web can be a helpful resource in understanding problems and possible solutions, there really is no alternative to spending time talking with doctors. Especially, ones who are as warm, friendly and knowledgeable as the Malpanis.
Our first IUI was in November 2001. Everything went well. Even though one knows the statistics (only a 10% success rate), optimism is always high. So it was in our case. Those two weeks after the transfer were long days. When we finally did the pregnancy test and it came as a negative, it was a blow. But, doctor, everything went well. Why did Bhavana not become pregnant?
That is a question which is perhaps the hardest to answer for a doctor because there are many possible reasons and yet there isn’t one which will satisfy aspiring parents. We were to ask that question four more times over 2002. With each passing IUI, optimism began to get replaced with an acceptance of the reality. Perhaps, a baby was not in our destiny. Bhavana and I also discussed adoption on more than occasion.
We decided to take a break from it in 2003. Even more than the physical pain of all the injections, the emotional stress can be quite unnerving. With each treatment, there is expectation from the family and that only serves to increases the pressure. And then there is the ticking biological clock.
We did our first ICSI procedure in January 2004. Again, everything went as well as it could have gone. Hopes rose again what could be better than having an egg and a sperm be mated together! (We also had the lucky room at the clinic, we had prayed to all the Gods, and even the astrologers had foreseen a baby!)
I still remember the afternoon I went to collect the blood test report from the lab. As I waited, a stream of thoughts flashed before me. While I tried to keep cool, I knew that in the report there lay the magical number that could possibly change our life forever. For a few fleeting moments, I imagined myself as a father.
When the report came, with a bit of trepidation, I opened it. The answer was what I had feared to think about. Bhavana was not pregnant. I made the call home and with a heavy heart made the short long journey home. Bhavana and I sat that afternoon and talked about life beyond. (We had gotten used to living life in one month increments in the hope that the next month would be different.) She was much more accepting of the situation than I was. My scientific mind kept thinking of why a baby could not be created than the eggs and sperms were absolutely fine. Why did we always end up on the wrong side of the probabilities?
Time heals, and so it was this time also. When we went and talked with the Malpanis (who by now had become very close friends), we were willing to call it quits. Going through this tension of the monthly cycles and ensuing disappointments was starting to take its toll. We wanted a finality to it all. We were willing to accept that we would never have our own baby. We wanted life to move on.
