Published May 4-8, 2023
51
Diary
As a teenager, I maintained a daily diary. That’s where I probably got the writing habit. Every day, I would write out my thoughts – sometimes about the events of the day, at other times about the direction of my life in general. As I grew older, the daily bit went away, but I still journal every so often in my notebook. It is like speaking silently – a mind talking to another, one which just listens and passes no judgement. Just the act of writing helps me lighten the load and move on. This is especially helpful when things are not going well, or I have made a particularly bad mistake in word or deed. Pouring the words in my diary helps me get it out of my system and move on. I rarely read what I have written again, but it helps freeze the moment in time, and clear my mind of the thoughts that would otherwise embed themselves in. In some ways, in such situations, the diary works as a closure – detaching me from the situation and getting on with life.
Writing the diary is different from my regular writing and note taking. The diary is about the present moment – capturing my thoughts at an instant of time. It also works well when something good has happened and my stoic self limits my outer celebrations and helps me maintain equanimity. I still need to share my extreme happiness and my diary becomes an outlet.
A couple of years ago, I came across a few quotes from Lara Zielin which capture the essence of keeping a diary (or journal, as she calls it): “Journaling is really, really good for us. It’s a tool for self-reflection and there are many studies that show it is good for our physical and mental health…What makes journaling most effective is this idea of welcoming stillness and reflection… You make yourself the hero in a story of your own making and write about the life that you want to have. We’ve all heard the adage, “Change your story, change your life.” Author Your Life is a way to do that where you write about the life you want to have as if it’s already occurring… After we’re done writing, one of the best things we can do is close our notebook and begin to embody the emotions that we just wrote about. It closes the distance between all the things you want to be true and your actual presence. Our minds are so powerful that we can begin to experience that now, whatever it is. It could be a feeling of peace about your job or calm during the pandemic. You just close your eyes and begin to feel those emotions and the power of that story as if it’s happening now.”
Maintaining a diary through the decades has helped me become better at managing life’s extremes. The diary is a friend who is always there to listen to me, to guide me, to share my joys and sadness, to help me think. When I need to make important decisions, it is the writing which helps bring clarity. Talking to myself but in a silent way through my handwriting becomes a way to cut through the clutter and see the present and future like it is. In times of attention recession, the few minutes of diary writing helps concentrate my mind.
My advice: start a diary. It is never too late in life. It is not about reading it in the future to relive your past, but to share your present with a friend – yourself.
52
Saying No
Saying No is not easy. We like to please and get in the good books of others. So, the natural inclination is to say “Yes” and make the other person happy. What we don’t realise at that instant is the cost to ourselves – in terms of time and bandwidth to fulfil the promise we have just made. In my post on Commitments, I had written: “We should not make commitments we cannot keep. That means saying No and perhaps disappointing the other person. But it is better to say it upfront rather than keep things hanging. Many a time, I have been asked to advise someone, or join a Board. My answer is a clear No, because I know that (a) I don’t like it (b) I don’t want to be distracted from the things I am doing. A commitment will require time; it is not to be taken lightly. Hence, it is better to be upfront and decline rather than do a shoddy job to give momentary delight to the other person, and then hope for a memory lapse later!”
We have full lives. There is a routine that we are all into, and then there are the surprises that constantly come our way to fill in the available time. Even if we have some free time, we find ways to fill it. In this midst, we get the requests from others to do actions which will entail significant investment of time from our end. These could be one-off or on a continuing basis. These are the decisions we need to think about before accepting. In fact, the default answer should be a No; a Yes should require much more thinking and understanding of the consequences.
Saying No is perhaps the best productivity hack. Often, the Yeses will end up draining us and not achieving anything consequential. Of course, there are times when a Yes needs to be said for reasons where a No will impact relationships (family, friends, or business). I am not concerned about those Yeses; the ones that we need to worry about are where we have a choice and say Yes without having fully considered the impact.
A colleague recently asked me if I could come to Pune for a business meeting. The meeting would be an hour, but it would end up taking most of the day in travel. It was a first meeting and it wasn’t clear if the senior business leader would be present. I decided to say No and offered to do the meeting on Zoom. If an in-person was needed, I would combine it later with some other meetings in the city or someone else could travel and I could join remotely. As it turned out, the meeting happened on Zoom and was an exploratory one and where the senior business leader did not show up. While this was a one-off, we need to be especially careful about making recurring commitments. The longer these last, the harder it becomes for us to exit them. We must put a value on our time.
James Clear writes: “Not doing something will always be faster than doing it…For example, there is no meeting that goes faster than not having a meeting at all. This is not to say you should never attend another meeting, but the truth is that we say yes to many things we don’t actually want to do. There are many meetings held that don’t need to be held…How often do people ask you to do something and you just reply, “Sure thing.” Three days later, you’re overwhelmed by how much is on your to-do list. We become frustrated by our obligations even though we were the ones who said yes to them in the first place. It’s worth asking if things are necessary. Many of them are not, and a simple “no” will be more productive than whatever work the most efficient person can muster. But if the benefits of saying no are so obvious, then why do we say yes so often?”
So, the next time you are asked for a Yes, pause, take some time to think, and see if a No can do the job instead.
53
Sleep Alarm and Airplane Mode
There are two recent changes I have made which I think are worth sharing: setting a sleep alarm, and setting an airplane mode for times when extreme focus is needed.
In my post about Sleep, I wrote: “For a productive day and life, do not compromise on your sleep. Work out your cycle (wake up with alarm or without, sleep during the day or not, awaken early or late) and stick with it.” I ended with advice from Matthew Walker: “Set an alarm for bedtime. Often we set an alarm for when it’s time to wake up but fail to do so for when it’s time to go to sleep.”
For the past month, I have been setting a sleep alarm. And it has worked wonders. My sleep alarm is set for 9:40 pm. Since my wake-up alarm goes off at 4:24 am, I can get about six-and-a-half hours of sleep. What I was realising is that on many days, I would just laze around at night – checking email, doing random browsing, thinking that extra bit, or simply mindwandering or timepass. For various reasons, I was delaying my sleep even though I knew my wake-up time the next morning would not change. That is when I decided to set the sleep alarm.
It has worked very well. When the alarm goes off, I know I have to start wrapping up things quickly and get into sleep mode. It becomes an “atomic habit”, a trigger where I am conditioning myself to pause my current activity and start switching off. The sleep alarm has added those extra minutes daily to my sleep and made me wake up fresher than I otherwise used to be.
Some additional advice from an article in Wall Street Journal: “It’s the content we see that has the biggest impact on our slumber, sleep experts say. So what should we do about it? Sure, you could leave your phone in another room at night, but that might not be feasible for adults who want to be reached in an emergency. The simplest fix is to eliminate the temptation to scroll altogether.”
A sleep alarm can help pull our devices away from us to ensure we get a good night’s sleep.
Another change I have started doing (also linked with the mobile phone and switching off) is setting the phone on Airplane mode (and not just on Silent). In Switching Off, I had written: “Every so often, it is important to stop the continuous stream of thinking and just switch off. It is not something that is easy for me to do. My mind is constantly at work, and I feel that if I take even a short break, that will be time wasted and which I will never get again. As I have realised over the years, this is a flawed thesis. We all need to take some time off – and we will end up being even more productive at what we are doing.”
A more effective way to switch off for short periods of time is to sit in a comfortable place and put the phone on Airplane mode. This ensures there are no distracting rings, beeps, or alerts, and we get chunky time to read or think – allowing the mind to get into a state of flow. Even when writing on the computer, I create an offline mode by shutting down the messaging apps so the temptation to switch and check is eliminated.
Our devices and apps are here to stay; it is up to us to improve our focus. Both these ideas – Sleep Alarm and Airplane mode – are about taking back control and helping us become more productive.
54
Hostel Life and US Education
A few months ago, Abhishek began the process of applying to US universities for his undergrad. I was reminded of my own life and decisions as a 17-year-old. There were two decisions which had a huge impact on me and played a big part in making me who I am – hostel life and US education.
Even as I was studying for IIT, I had applied to US universities for my undergrad. I got admission in two and had shortlisted Carnegie Mellon. In June when the IIT results came out, I had a second option for my further studies: Electrical Engineering at IIT-Bombay. I chose IIT. The decision was made because spending four more years in India seemed like a good choice – without compromising on the quality of education. I could always apply for a Masters in the US at a later date. What I had not reckoned on was the experience of living in a hostel at IIT.
As I entered Hostel 5 at IIT, I had no idea of what hostel life was about. I had never stayed away from home. While I was excited and apprehensive, what I was going to IIT for was the academics. Four years and almost four decades later, I think the best part of IIT was the life outside the classroom. Hostel 5 and my “wing” (what we called the Hexadecimalos – rooms 241-256) helped create friendships, learnings, shared moments of joy, and just extreme fun. The freedom of not having parents oversee me was the initial story. But later, it was about being with buddies – living life to the full, the late nights spent going to a movie or a dinner, the “cack” (chat) sessions which were both empty and enriching at the same time, the long walks to nowhere in the middle of the night, the occasional secretive outing to Vihar Lake – all created memories which even now come back in a flash. This is what I hope Abhishek will experience when he goes to the US – life is not just academics, but the beyond.
For me, the second defining experience was the years I spent in the US. Once again, I had gone for academics – Masters at Columbia University in New York. The learning in the Engineering School was fantastic – meeting people from different countries, working together on projects, and experiencing an education system quite different from India. In IIT, if it was the learning outside the classroom, at Columbia, it was the learning inside. Even though I was enrolled for Electrical Engineering, I had the option to take courses in Computer Science – and rekindle a love affair with computers. It was this freedom that stood out for me. As a student keen to finish in nine months, I had little time to experience the joys of New York – but plenty of time to indulge in spending time imagining connected networks in a world where computers were just starting to take over.
As a parent, this is the advice I gave to Abhishek as he began his applications process to US universities: as an undergrad student, experience life outside the classroom, and make the most of the best education system in the world. These four years will transform him as he experiences freedom away from home and learns to live life on his terms. The combination of hostel life and US education is what every young person should experience.
55
Chakravyuha of Life
In the Mahabharata, there is a reference to the Chakravyuha. According to Wikipedia: “[It] is a military formation used to surround enemies…It resembles a labyrinth of multiple defensive walls…[It] looks like a blooming lotus or disc when viewed from above. The warriors at each interleaving position would be in an increasingly tough position to fight against. The formation was used in the battle of Kurukshetra by Dronacharya… In the Mahabharata it is mentioned that Abhimanyu learnt about the Chakravyuha while in his mother’s womb but he was not able to hear how to escape the formation. After Abhimanyu had penetrated the sixth tier of the formation, all the Kauravas’ commanders attacked him simultaneously, which was against the righteous rules of warfare Dharmayuddha, and gradually exhausted and killed him.”
Think of the chakravyuha as a maze – difficult to enter, even harder to exit. This happens a lot in life also – especially in business situations and personal relationships. These are what create stress – where we feel trapped and helpless, and don’t see a way out. I have been through many such labyrinths in life. Exits can be hard and unpleasant. These are also life’s low points, because there is no happy ending.
For me, most of life’s chakravyuhas have been with business ideas which have failed. In almost every case, I did not accept my failure until it was too late and had no easy way to close the chapter and move on. Like Abhimanyu, I knew how to enter, but not how to exit. This is true for a lot of us – be it a job, a personal relationship, a co-founder partnership, and sometimes even a business arrangement.
The equivalent in Chess is called “Zubzwang.” As Masterchess writes: “[It] is a German word that translates to ”compulsion to move” in the English language. The etymology of the word includes “zug,” which means “move,” and “zwang,” which means “compulsion.” In chess, the definition of zugzwang is when a player must make a move that will worsen their position. If a player is in zugzwang, every move available to them puts them at a disadvantage. According to the rules of chess, players cannot skip a move; therefore, if a player is in a zugzwang position, it’s very likely they will lose the game.”
What’s to be done when we are caught in a chakravyuha of our own making? Of course, the obvious advice is not to get into one. But most times, we don’t know we are getting into one. We keep striding along and only when it is too late do we get that trapped feeling. It is important to understand that one is caught in a chakravyuha – understanding this is half the solution. It is then important to take a step back and work through the options and see which is the most surgical. It is best to cut one’s losses and get out rather than linger on in the hope that a magical solution will manifest itself. There will be a cost: a broken friendship, a business loss, an unhappy customer. It is best to accept and absorb that sooner than later. A chakravyuha will not deliver a “and they lived happily ever after” outcome.
Be it a chakravyuha or a Zubzwang, the key lies in finding the move which will do the least damage and then hoping for the best, and taking the learnings and move on. There is no “undo” option in life. The best we can hope is that we don’t “redo” the same mistake again.