Published September 20-24, 2023
86
Regret – 1
As we grow older, we tend to look back at some of the choices we have made and paths we have taken. The tendency is to focus more on the decisions which went wrong. This is where there is a danger that we can journey down a river of regrets rather than focus on the things that went right. A “What-if” analysis of the past is good up to a point to help us analyse what went wrong with a decision and what are the learnings that we can take forward. But there is also the danger of this spiralling down an “if only” track which can cause sadness and frustration.
There are times when something triggers memories of decisions which have led to unsuccessful ventures. I have failed many times in my life. Every failure is an outcome of decisions I made. When I think about them, there is an element of regret – time and money wasted, and in some cases relationships soured. The past can be a dangerous room to enter because it has many doors which can take one deeper into a mental morass. And it is therefore important to stop the “regret pathway” quickly – before it takes over the mind. It is important to keep in mind the present and focus on the future – think about what one can do next, rather than ponder on the failures and mistakes of the past.
Regret, although a natural human emotion, can become detrimental to one’s well-being when it dominates our thoughts and prevents us from moving forward. It is essential to recognise that we all make mistakes and experience failures. These are opportunities to learn from and grow, rather than chains that hold us back.
Jelena Kecmanovic writes: “A typical feature of regret is self-blame over making the ‘wrong’ choice, whether it was doing something that you now believe you shouldn’t have done, or not doing something that you now think you should have. Some regrets are mild and fleeting and, as such, do not cause much heartache. But it’s possible to be haunted by regret – consumed by self-reproach, sadness, and a sense of loss over what you could have had.”
Shannon Thomas adds: “Regret stems from a deep, soul-level disappointment that things haven’t worked out because of something you said or did…Learning how to deal with regret is about having to step back and realize that you did what you did with the information you had at that time.”
To avoid being consumed by regret, we must adopt a proactive mindset, focusing on actions we can take to improve our current situation, and future prospects. Surrounding ourselves with positive influences and engaging in activities that promote growth and development can also help counter the negative effects of regret. It is also helpful to practice gratitude for the experiences we have had, both positive and negative. Acknowledging and appreciating the lessons learned from these situations can help shift our perspective from one of regret to one of appreciation. By doing so, we can gradually transform regret into wisdom and resilience, empowering us to face new challenges with confidence.
While regret is a natural response to past mistakes and failures, it is crucial not to let it overwhelm our thoughts and dictate our lives. At no stage must we let the “regret pathway” take over. A more positive and resilient mindset is what we need. Embracing this attitude allows us to move beyond our past and embrace the potential that lies ahead.
87
Regret – 2
At times, when alone, my pendulum swings from thinking forward to pondering regret. It is usually a response to a trigger – an email, a conversation, or something I saw. A memory from the past swings by and if I am not careful, I can end up opening door after door from a past long gone by. There is nothing I can do to change what’s happened and yet this game of alternate universes begins. What if I had accepted the offer an investor made? What if I had not refused the price point the customer wanted? What if I had said Yes instead of No? What if I had followed my doctor’s advice? What if I had been more careful walking (and therefore not tripped and fallen)? Some are trivial regrets, while others are more profound. Some don’t leave a mark, while others cause deep hurt.
Marshall Goldsmith writes in his book, “The Earned Life”: “Regret, in the words of Kathryn Schulz in her wonderful 2011 TED talk on the subject, is “the emotion we experience when we think that our present situation could be better or happier if we had done something different in the past.” Regret is a devilish cocktail of agency (our regrets are ours to create, they’re not foisted upon us by others) and imagination (we have to visualize making a different choice in our past that delivers a more appealing outcome now). Regret is totally within our control, at least in terms of how often we invite it into our lives and how long we let it stick around. Do we choose to be tortured or bewildered by it forever (as in the case of my friend Richard), or can we move on, knowing that regret is not finished with us, that we will surely live to regret again someday…Regret is the depressing counterweight to finding fulfillment in a complex world. Our primary theme is achieving a life of fulfillment—what I call an earned life.”
An important point made by Goldsmith is that “our lives reside on a continuum that roams between Regret and Fulfillment.” He adds: “Something truly earned makes three simple requirements of us: We make our best choice supported by the facts and the clarity of our goals. In other words, we know what we want and how far we need to go. We accept the risk involved. We put out maximum effort.”
Control over one’s mind is key to dealing with regret. We must appreciate the good that has happened in the life we have lived and look forward with excitement to the life that is to come. We have control over many decisions. What we need to do is to make sure we choose the best possible option we have – based on the information available at that point. My approach is to always think that there is some good in all that happens, and at times that good may take time to manifest itself. Close the door on regret and open the door to fulfilment.
**
While I had not intended it that way, the three themes of “Closing and Opening Doors”, “The Second Side” [Parts 82-85] and “Regret” form a triad of sorts . The common theme is to let the past go and look forward to a future we can craft by considering options which at times may not be obvious.
A few good quotes to think over:
- “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. So, you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” – Steve Jobs
- “For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’ ― John Greenleaf Whittier
- “Very few regrets in life are about what you did. Almost all are about what you didn’t do.” – Kevin Kelly
So ask yourself: Which doors do you need to close? In which current situations do you need to see the “second side?” How can you limit regrets and think about your “earned life”?
88
Public Speaking (contd)
After my speech-cum-presentation at Netcore’s India conference, a younger colleague walked up to me and asked, “How can I learn to speak like you?” In reply, I summarised what I had written previously. I said, “Prepare. Practice. Post-mortem” and gave her an idea to get started on her journey to become a better public speaker.
Preparation is about planning the speech. It took me a week. I wanted the speech to motivate and inspire, and also provide enough talking points to the customer-facing teams about Netcore’s strengths in a competitive marketplace. I then set about making the deck – pulling in some images as needed which could help amplify the points I needed to hit home.
Practice is about running through the talk a few times in private (or to a smaller audience). It helps one work through the transitions in the slides without breaking the flow and the story. Even on the day of the talk I made a few edits to incorporate a few ideas other speakers before me had made.
Then comes the actual “show” because it is exactly that. For the time I was on stage, I was a performer. I had to engage with the audience, add in that humour and topicality, connect with their thoughts, and make them forget about their mobiles! I had to surprise them – so they never took their eyes off me. I promised to send the deck to all of them so they didn’t have to worry about making detailed notes and could focus on the experience of listening. I too was in a “flow” as I spoke – the audience interaction propelling me forward. I had a powerful ending and that got me a standing ovation.
And then I did the post-mortem. There were a few places I had missed a few points. I realised I should have either added a word or two on the slide as a prompt or kept a sheet in front of me to make sure I covered those. (The laptop was not in front of me so I did not have access to the slide notes.) In a couple places, the jokes fell flat – a lesson to do better next time. A few times, I was repetitive – in my eagerness to emphasise a point, I went a bit overboard. So, some useful learnings for my next big talk.
In this case, I had the benefit of a friendly audience and unlimited time. In the talk that I had done at SaaS Open in March in New York, I was speaking to SaaS founders and had a 20-minute hard stop. Despite my preparation and planning, I overdid a couple stories which led to me being crunched for time towards the end, leading to a weaker closing than I would have liked. The lesson for me: stick to the script.
I then gave my colleague a suggestion: create a small group at work where she and 4-5 others can meet once every week to speak on a topic for 8-10 minutes. It is how I had learnt at the Indo-American Society course I had done in 1981. Half the battle is won when one can stand up and speak confidently in front of others.
Public speaking is not something we are taught in school or college, and yet it is an important skill to have. To be able to stand up and speak in front of others, persuade them, change their minds, and win their hearts – that is a key step in one’s own leadership journey.
89
Rejection
We will never go through life getting everything we want. Rejection is a part and parcel of our journey. Whether it is the competitive race to get into a good school or college, or then in the search for a job, or as an entrepreneur seeking to raise capital – rejection is part of the terrain. And with rejection also comes disappointment. “How could they reject me? They rejected ME? What do I do now?” And so on.
In this essay, I want to discuss the 50+ rejections I have faced as an entrepreneur raising capital over 30+ years. I have not succeeded at all. (Which has perhaps been a good thing across IndiaWorld and Netcore – lack of external capital forced us down the path of profitability and our proficorn journey.) But there is always a hurt to hear a “No” – almost making me feel that something was lacking in me, especially when every competitor gets capital coming their way.
I was recently meeting a potential investor and decided to take a different approach. I started by saying that I have failed 50 times in my life to raise capital and I don’t expect this to end differently. I said that I will first explain why I will get rejected so as to make their thinking job easier! I will then explain why they should look at investing in Netcore. And after that, I will also mention the valuation at which a deal could be possible. After having gone through plenty of such meetings, I know the drill and thus wanted to make sure none of us wasted time in the early decision process.
The investor smiled and asked me to go ahead. He probably had not seen such candour in all his previous meetings! When I was done, he asked me, “Why do you think you have got rejected 50 times?” My reply, “I do not compromise on my valuation expectation. I did not do that when I was a very small company during my IndiaWorld days, and I will not do it now when we are much larger. I am profitable so there is no desperation for capital. I know what we are worth, I think it is a fair ask, and I know we can create value greater than your IRR expectations.”
Of course, I tallied up one more reject. I wear these rejections now as a badge of honour. And yet, I will never decline a meeting with a potential investor. I have thus changed my attitude towards getting rejected. Instead of self-blame and depression, I use the meetings to learn from some of the smartest people in the world of investing – the questions they ask, the flaws they point, the things they like, the words they use – all help me in making my next pitch better.
My advice: flip the attitude towards being rejected, and never stop trying. Think of it as going for a meeting with the objective of getting at least one new idea, and you will never be disappointed. As Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” This applies to meetings with prospective employers, potential investors, or even future customers. Not every answer will be a Yes, and not every No is an indictment. In my life, it is rejections which have pushed me onward to become better.
90
Personal Hedgehog
A business idea I very much like is Jim Collins’ Hedgehog Concept. In the context of a business, it is about answering three questions:
- What are you deeply passionate about?
- What can you be best in the world at?
- What drives your economic engine?
Here is what Jim Collins writes: “Are you a hedgehog or a fox? In his famous essay “The Hedgehog and the Fox,” Isaiah Berlin divided the world into hedgehogs and foxes, based upon an ancient Greek parable: “The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing.”…A Hedgehog Concept is not a goal to be the best, a strategy to be the best, an intention to be the best, a plan to be the best. It is an understanding of what you can be the best at. The distinction is absolutely crucial. Every company would like to be the best at something, but few actually understand—with piercing insight and egoless clarity—what they actually have the potential to be the best at and, just as important, what they cannot be the best at. And it is this distinction that stands as one of the primary contrasts between the good-to-great companies and the comparison companies.”
The same Hedgehog Concept can be applied to us as individuals. It can help us identify our passions, strengths, and potential for success. By answering these three questions, we can work towards finding our “personal hedgehog” and ultimately build a fulfilling, successful, and meaningful life.
Here are three questions that can help us discover our own “hedgehog”:
- What activities or pursuits genuinely ignite your passion and make you feel fulfilled? Reflect on the things that truly excite you, bring joy, and make you feel engaged in life. These passions can help you find a personal sense of purpose.
- What are your unique talents, skills, or abilities that set me apart from others? Assess your strengths and areas where you excel or have the potential to excel. Consider not only your natural talents but also the skills you’ve developed through hard work, education, or experience.
- How can you combine my passion and strengths to create value or generate income? Think about ways to leverage your passions and skills in a manner that provides value to others and can potentially lead to financial rewards or a sustainable livelihood.
I asked myself these questions to discover my “personal Hedgehog.” For me, it has been about generating new ideas and converting them into startups – the 0 to 1 phase. Not all have ended up being successful, but the two big hits (IndiaWorld and Netcore) have delivered very good outcomes. Of late, there is a mini-Hedgehog that I have been building on – writing. The blog has become a great ideas generator. As Kevin Kelly wrote in his advice book, “I write in order to think; that’s how I think. I think by writing. I don’t have the ideas and then sit down and try to write them. I use writing to get the ideas.” I could not agree more.
The concept of a personal hedgehog is a powerful tool for self-discovery and personal growth. It is an exercise we must all do. We should repeat it every few years or so because we change with time. By regularly evaluating our passions, strengths, and opportunities for value creation, we can adapt to life’s changes and remain aligned with our true selves. Embracing the personal hedgehog concept is not only an investment in ourselves but also a journey towards reaching our full potential.