Published December 10-14, 2022
11
Anger Management
As I have grown older, I have worked hard to resist the temptation to get angry and shout at people, especially those who have no way of answering back. I have become more patient – even if someone else makes a mistake (which I then do point out). I have realised that getting angry doesn’t really get you anything. It is just a demonstration of power and it ends up creating resentment in the other person. In most cases, if anger has to be directed, it has to be towards oneself because we are the originator of more mistakes than others.
As I think about it, I perhaps realised the futility of anger during my early years as I saw my father get angry at other people. Of course, he calmed down very quickly and moved on, but in those few minutes, I saw the helplessness in the eyes of the other person. I myself was at the receiving end many times. I realised that the same thing which is said by shouting can also be said calmly to the other person and the impact is likely to be much greater. After a point, the angry words are just discounted by the person at the receiving end.
In the past few years, there have been a few occasions when I have gotten angry with my teenage son, Abhishek. On every such occasion, as I reflected after the event, I realised that my reaction was disproportionate to what had happened. All Abhishek would do is cry – he could not answer me back or show his anger. And it was through these (and much talking to my wife, Bhavana) that I realised that self-control is a very important trait to learn. In almost all cases, I was upset at something else and I found Abhishek to be the victim whom I could unleash my inner frustrations on. Whenever it happened, Bhavana ensured that I saw my mistake and apologised to Abhishek to ensure that the damage caused did not create an unbridgeable chasm over time.
It is not that I keep my anger bottled up inside me. I use my notebook to write down my feelings and get closure. I find that writing out my thoughts helps clear the mind; it is almost like talking to someone else. The writing forces me to reflect and that helps dissipate the momentary anger.
Anger has little place in daily life. We cannot stop becoming angry when we see something wrong happen. What we can control is our reaction. More often than not, we will find that the root cause is perhaps of our own making – unreal expectations, imprecise instructions, or simply, fury at our own follies.
12
Trust and Openness
There are two ways to live life: either trust others or be distrustful of them. The second approach can take us down a slippery slope. All it needs is one bad experience to push us down the path of questioning other people’s intentions and suspecting their motives. We rely on the kindness of strangers for many things in our life, and if that belief breaks, it will make life hard. We will go through bad experiences when someone lets down our trust. We must deal with those situations as one-offs rather than generalising to everyone and mistrusting all others.
In my early days as an entrepreneur, I went through some experiences which made me question my trust in others. People whom I trusted let me down. As an entrepreneur recovering after multiple early failures, each of these experiences made me question my approach of trusting others implicitly. I decided that the overhead of not trusting was simply too high. I accepted what had happened and moved on. My core belief has always been that there is some good which comes out of everything, even some unpleasant and difficult situations. And as I look back, I think that belief has more than justified itself.
Trust is a two-way street. One has to give trust to get it back. In business, you have to believe that if you make an advance payment, the other party will not simply abscond with the money. In India, there is little recourse through the legal system. In general, most transactions will be fine, but there will always be a few that go wrong. A few years ago, I decided that we should do our checks on the counter-parties, but there is no way of achieving perfection. So, we simply set aside 2% of revenues as bad debts and move on. It is just the cost of doing business. The alternative is trying to negotiate very stringent contracts with the other 98% and that will simply make business undoable.
With trust also comes openness. I have always been open to sharing my ideas and even business plans. I have found that the more I am open, the greater is the reciprocal candour. My blog is written in the same spirit. I share my ideas, and do so with no expectations. I just find that being open is better than being closed, being transparent is better than being opaque. Each of us will be shaped by our experiences, and we will have bad ones where this trust and openness is violated, even by people we know well. But the alternative life – of being wary of everyone we meet – is just an impossible one.
PS: My previous post on open-sourcing ideas.
13
Commitments
Commitments are an integral part of our life. To quote Peter Drucker: “Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes… but no plans.” They can be small ones (meeting someone, returning a call, sending a short note) or big ones (marriage). Some commitments – like decisions – are consequential and irreversible. Every commitment needs steps to be taken to fulfil it. As Jean-Paul Satre said, “Commitment is an act, not a word.”
My motto on commitments is: never make one that you cannot keep. People must respect your word – it should be as good as a written contract. Many a time, we say we will do something, and then promptly (and perhaps conveniently) forget about it. The thing is other people remember; they don’t forget. And some day, our reneging on a promise we made will come back to haunt us.
Once a commitment is made, the words need to be converted into actions – especially for those tasks which require time. An email that needs a time bound reply, a deck to be sent in advance of a presentation one has to make, a meeting that needs to be done, a cadence that needs to be kept – it is the small commitments that create the discipline of ensuring the big commitments are kept.
We commit in meetings to do some actions by a specific date or time. No one should remind us once we have made a commitment. To ensure I don’t forget, I write it down immediately in my spiral notebook at the top of the page, so it becomes a clear actionable. If for some reason we are not going to keep the commitment, then we should notify the counterparty about it, offer a reason and if needed, a new date and time. Only with a track record of meeting commitments will people around us know that we are the “keepers” – things get done once a commitment is made.
This also means that we should not make commitments we cannot keep. That means saying No and perhaps disappointing the other person. But it is better to say it upfront rather than keep things hanging. Many a time, I have been asked to advise someone, or join a Board. My answer is a clear No, because I know that (a) I don’t like it (b) I don’t want to be distracted from the things I am doing. A commitment will require time; it is not to be taken lightly. Hence, better to be upfront and decline rather than do a shoddy job to give momentary delight to the other person, and then hope for a memory lapse later!
The corollary is that we must be thoughtful before making a commitment to obviate the need for a possible backtracking later. There is no need to say an immediate Yes or No. Some of the requests require some thought before a decision can be made. In such cases, the immediate commitment can be a date by when the answer will be given.
I will end with a quote by Michelle Obama: “If I made a commitment, I stood by that commitment – and try to make it real. Because when you become leaders, the most important thing you have is your word, your trust. That’s where respect comes from.” This is something we can all learn and live by.
PS: My previous post on “Disagree and Commit.”
14
Reading
I buy a lot of books. I think of myself as a book collector. I cannot and do not read every book I buy. I like to have them around knowing that some day the wisdom in that book will be useful and transformational. Books have served me well through the years: which other product gives you a person’s lifetime of knowledge for a few hundred rupees? It is we who have to make an investment many times greater – with our time – to absorb and learn. And in today’s world of instant-everything and tweet-sized content, a book is a true joy to behold. Ploughing through the daily social media feeds may seem exciting but most are empty – like junk food. They can provide that instant gratification but they do not provide the depth needed to enhance our learning. That is something only good books do.
Over time, my reading has broadened from just the tech, business and management books to reading about economics, history, political science and philosophy. These books require the creation of contiguous time where one is not distracted with the urge of checking messages on our devices. At times, they require re-reading to better understand the concepts being explained.
While I don’t mind reading fiction on digital devices (mostly the Books app on my iPad), for serious reading I like to hold the physical book in my hand. There is something about reading the printed word on paper and turning the pages which lends an element of seriousness to the exercise. That is why I like to buy books, even with the knowledge that I am unlikely to read them right away. At home or in the office, every once in a while, when I am struggling with a problem, I find that immersion in a book – any book – helps me find pathways to solutions.
The “Thinks” section of my blog has also ensured that I keep a steady base of reading – not just books, but also good writing in the form of essays and columns. The daily reading of news and views does not replace the book – both have their own place. Together, they help shape our mental models which then help us make better decisions. The discipline of posting 3 links daily in the Thinks series ensures that reading becomes embedded in daily life.
Not all my reading is serious stuff. I like thrillers. A good story transports you to a different world – it is the equivalent of dreaming with eyes open. Some authors that I like include Daniel Silva (Gabriel Allon series), Michael Connelly (Bosch and others), Anthony Horowitz, Scott Turow and John Grisham (legal), David Baldacci, Joel Rosenberg, David Ignatius, Brad Thor, Jeffrey Deaver (Lincoln Rhyme), Ken Follett, and Ruth Ware (Agatha Christie type thrillers).
So, the best thing one can do is to set aside some time in the day to read. Be it the serious books or the fast-paced thrillers, some diversion in the form of being transported to the ideas and stories as envisioned by the authors is a wonderful addition to daily life.
PS: My previous post on a book club I was once part of.
15
Meetings
There is no escape from meetings. In the corporate world, a day is a continuum of meetings. This is because they are important to get things done. A senior leader in an organisation needs to ensure coordination across teams, and meetings can be more effective than just emails or Slack/WhatsApp messages going back and forth.
My approach to meetings is two-fold: to focus on the pre-meeting, and then the post-meeting. Think of the “pre” as meaning preparation. Every meeting needs some homework to be done so it doesn’t descend into a rambling match. At the start of each day, I will list key points that I need to make, understand or ask during the meeting. This makes me go into the meeting with a plan – even if it is not a meeting I have called. At the end of the day, I will go through the meetings, and list out key points from them – these could be ideas that came, follow-ups that need to be done, or commitments that I made which need to be kept.
None of this is possible if one doesn’t have a notebook (or digital device) to make notes. I have gone into many meetings and am shocked when I see people go through and not make any notes. Either they have incredible memory or they don’t really care about the outcome. Most often, it is the latter.
During a meeting, I make detailed notes. It keeps me focused and it ensures I can replay the meeting at the end of the day. It also helps me make side notes about ideas that need to be explored or a memory which flitted past and needs to be explored later. So, even as I let my mind wander occasionally, the note taking ensures I stay focused through the meeting.
If I am running a meeting, there are a set of principles that I follow: the meeting must start and end on time, at the start of the meeting (ideally, before) everyone needs to be told the agenda and flow, and everyone present must be given an opportunity to speak and voice their views.
If I am a participant, I ensure that I have a few key points listed as part of the pre-meeting work. When speaking, I try to make sure I am not interrupting someone – this is much easier to do in physical meetings than on Zoom where the visual cues are missing. I also do my best to not raise my voice to make a point just because I have the highest designation; this is not always possible because at times the silliness of others just gets to me.
What I like best are the customer meetings. I pay careful attention to the words and phrases they use, especially when describing their problem or discussing the product. Listening to customers is the way I have got many ideas. The pandemic years have shifted some meetings online and more often than not, I end up doing meetings where the others have their video turned off. (I really cannot believe that there are still unsolved “bandwidth issues” more than two years after the start of the pandemic and the cheapest Internet access in the world.) Speaking to a black window takes away some of my energy, but I have decided that it is too rude to force others to switch on their video. For my part, I always make sure I join meetings with video on, unless the number of attendees exceeds 25.
A final piece of advice from a Wall Street Journal article: “There are four basic types of meetings that managers should convene, Ms. Rita King says. Learning meetings generate knowledge. Innovation meetings generate ideas. Commitment meetings generate decisions. And alignment meetings generate a road map. Each type has an objective, such as solving a specific problem or generating actionable ideas. A lot of bosses skip the first three types of meetings and spend most of their time convening big groups for alignment meetings that fail to produce the intended results… Great meetings are small, fast and don’t involve status updates.”
So, meetings are a necessity. It is up to each of us to create our own system to increase their effectiveness. Preparation and post-meeting reflection are a must. Putting across our views and thus participating actively is the approach to follow, rather than being passengers with minds wandering elsewhere.
PS: My previous post on “One Meeting, One Idea.”